Narcissism and Selfishness

Help After Narcissistic Abuse

When you no longer understand why things are going so strangely.

Why do you feel completely drained by a relationship? Or are you always seen as the “difficult one”, while the other never acknowledges anything?

All sorts of things can play a role in this, especially when situations are twisted into bizarre accusations. It is possible that narcissism is at play in the other person (at the bottom of the page there is more explanation about narcissism).

Regulary, the pain of narcissistic abuse can often be found behind various questions - whether it concerns a narcissistic parent, family member, or an ex-partner.

You don’t have to solve this alone. Narcissistic behavior has a huge impact on family atmosphere, your self-image and mental health. Even when you distance yourself, everything keeps going, and you have a lot to deal with.

Treatment

To treat your situation I use VortexHealing® Energy Healing for emotional processing and breaking through obstructive patterns that you are currently suffering from. We look intuitively and in conversation form which themes stand out most for you. This may include, for example:

Processing emotional pain and “what was done to you”.
Restoring self-love and appreciation.
Moving from difficulty setting boundaries to “feeling what you want”.
Navigating assertively and choose your own path.
Putting responsibility back where it belongs.
The after-effects of abuse and mistreatment;
- The feeling of “not mattering” / “not deserving” / “not being worth anything”.
- Constantly wanting to please others and conform.
- Guilt (you really didn’t do anything wrong!)
- Shame of “letting things happen”.
- Inner criticism.
- Inner emptiness.
- Fears about the consequences of choices.

You can combine my treatment with proven forms of treatment such as CBT, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or schema therapy. In addition, you can find a lot of recognition and support in the books of Lindsay C. Gibson (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents), and explanations about dysfunctional family patterns and family estrangement.

Dutch footnote: in case of co-parenting it is advisable to also register with the Center for Youth & Family (CJG). In case of child abuse or domestic violence it is useful to contact Veilig Thuis (‘Safe Home’). They can give advise and also process your report anonymously if needed.

Result

As your own inner world becomes more clear, it becomes easier to make your own choices. These choices will depend on the severity of the situation, and whether it concerns an ex-partner, or your guardians/parents/family members.

Curious What We Can Do for You?

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What is Narcissism?

To properly understand narcissism, it is useful to recognize their inner conflict. Deep down, they often feel very small, inadequate, and insecure. That pain is buried and repressed, and is compensated for with status, grandeur, idolization, and devaluation. It is, in fact, a reaction to trauma.

This inner dynamic has a predictable effect. Llittle empathy is possible, because everything revolves around recognizing their false self. You’ll regularly see others are treated as an audience (as witness to their greatness), or as extension of themselves. Those who cannot do this are ignored. This distorted perception of reality can make you doubt yourself considerably, or glorify them for what they accomplish.

Malignant Narcissism

A ‘healthy’ level of narcissism is sometimes difficult, but you can still live with it. It becomes a different story when there is malignant narcissism. Here it is not enough that someone admires their greatness, makes them feel important and special, or gives them preferential treatment. The other person is also demeaned or vanquished. This applies in particular to those who see through them, limits them, or isn’t to their liking. This version is fortunately very rare (1-4% of the population). But anyone who has had to deal with malignant narcissism as a child/partner knows better than anyone how damaging this is.

Vulnerable Narcissism

Narcissism does not always mean that someone also pretends to be great. Especially in the face of much adversity, narcissism will sooner express itself as hypersensitive, introverted, easily offended, socially withdrawn and sometimes even depressed. They are very preoccupied with their own perceived shortcomings. Others have “not seen their greatness”, or complain that “you don’t see that they do ‘everything’ for you”. They often see themselves as victims and seek a lot of recognition.

Their clumsy social behavior can generate a lot of sympathy and support - and makes you give them endless chances - but it is never good enough. Their passive-aggressive behavior belittles others, making them seem bigger. Many behaviors encourage dependency or, on the contrary, provoke shame and the feeling of having to justify yourself. This version is also very harmful, because it is so rarely recognized.

How Does Narcissism Develop?

No one is born this way; narcissistic traits are mainly developed from the early home situation. That does not mean that parents did this consciously. Research shows that narcissism mainly develops in children of authoritarian, inconsistent, neglectful or overly indulgent parents - especially if they constantly overvalue their child or use them to fulfill their own emotional needs. Such a child faces quite some obstracles to develop a healthy self-image.

Not Everything is Narcissism

Not everything is narcissism. Nowadays it is popular on social media to talk about THE narcissist as a big bogeyman and sadist. Usually, it is more likely to be someone who is emotionally immature; for example an egoist who is full of themselves. Moreover, during a divorce, everyone usually shows their worst side. A narcissistic personality disorder (“narcissism”) is structural. You will find a enduring and rigid pattern of disorders in thinking, feeling and acting.

Recognizing Narcissism

Most lists and DSM look at narcissism from the therapist’s perspective. Therefore, here is a list for recognition points from everyday moments:

In the relationship with him/her:

You are not really seen, heard or understood.
You experience a cold, impersonal, mood.
You feel that you shouldn’t go against anything.
You feel your audience for their story.
You are told that you don’t have “enough attention” or interest in their lives.
You are the target of derogatory or vitriolic comments.
You notice that you never seem to do it right (in their eyes), while some else can never do it wrong.
You are super empathetic and want to understand their behavior.
You have to work very hard to maintain or continually restore social contact.

Guilt:

They quickly feel aggrieved and rejected.
They simply feel entitled to something.
They don’t uphold agreements, but strongly accuse you for any “negligence”.
They feel you are making things difficult for them or have hurt them.
They see themselves as victims, and do not recognize what they themselves did.
They really don’t see the problems you raise, and think you’re being difficult.
They blame you a lot, which makes you feel guilty, ashamed and believe that you are falling short.
You are the scapegoat or the golden child.
You doubt yourself a lot.
Their accusations are a confession (of what they did, are doing or will do).

In case of conflicts:

In large company everything is exemplary, but privately strings come slyly.
Those around you don’t understand why things are so difficult between you and them.
Those around you still try to see both sides (of your far apart stories).
Those around you have developed an opinion against you (partly because of the accusations/stories about you).
Family members guard their social/secure position, indirectly working you out of it.
The narrative about your situation is explained in a very different way to the outside world.
You feel very lonely/left out.
You feel unsafe in the situation.

Danger zone:

Discomforts are acted out, sometimes much later.
Children (or grandchildren) receive little loving attention.
Children receive belitling condescending or hurtful comments.
Children undergo compulsive control.
Children are treated roughly (e.g. “over the knee”).
Violence, abuse, mistreatment and/or cheating others.
You are being gaslit (=deliberately and repeatedly making you guess your sanity).
Therapists who don’t see through it all, keep letting you investigate your part in this.
The problem always lies with others or the circumstances.

Much recognition? Let’s talk